[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
🤣✨#caturday
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete