“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Risking my life for fun.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Money is the root of all wealth
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Taliband
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy