I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
The game has officially changed 😎
I had to Stop for this
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.