This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do