I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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Thursday Thought.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
RT if you could go either way.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
did it work
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.