BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what