Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night