Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter