As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
mmm onion ringos
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
When the stylist spins you back around
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn