Stop correcting my vodkabulary
You Might Also Like
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.