Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
#gardening
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
(2022)
Okay me first
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names