“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I wish I could veto my bills.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro