I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Put a ring on it
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781