Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You Might Also Like
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Saturday