My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I am, perchance
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods