I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Dishonest mechanic?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I am crying
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”