When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
mom had nothing to worry about
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Mountain Goat : )
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea