> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok