The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine