When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The cashier just checked me out.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
new year update: losing everything but weight
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one