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Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Happy Caturday!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
adam and eve had first world problems
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs