if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My Plans 2020
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.