Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.