My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on