Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My time has come.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being