Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.