*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
You Might Also Like
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
be careful
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.