Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
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I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.