God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!