I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
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My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
This is a whole mood;
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*