Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.