[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
#dalle2
When you can’t find your friend Neil
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”