A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
From Facebook just now…
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*