i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Boating season is upon us.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.