Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Skills
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
bad news gang
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*