GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”