[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’M CRYINGGG
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill