I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Have a lovely day 😊
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
real
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”