museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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I thought this was funny lol
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.