so this horse walks into a bar
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.