Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.