daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
good let them take over I have had enough
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
the Monday after daylight savings
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that