Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me recordaron éste meme
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!