Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
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First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.