WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.