*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
when nothing goes right… go left
Just ordered me some pizza!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet