[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
The Others (2001)
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
first you must answer his riddles
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror