You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
the official breakfast of 2021
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST