The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.