everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.